I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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