in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
