tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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