Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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