I want to have your abortion
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
two words...techno handjob
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
