Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
