i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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