Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Randomize
