Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
