I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
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