Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Pi�atas plus fireworks don't mix well
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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