I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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