News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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