i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
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