I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
