dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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