I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
