Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
