I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Haha oh wow he'd be perfect. He's got everything MTV looks for in a real world cast member. Gay. Tool. From Methuen
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
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