We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
