I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
