I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
