The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
