I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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