my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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