Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
