After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
