I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
