I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
