just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
COCAINE IS GR8
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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