don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
