I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Randomize
