Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
handjob tips. give me some.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
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