When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
organizing the empties. That sober.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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