The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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