There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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