i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
We need to rekindle our bromance
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
