loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
i think we sleep fucked last night...
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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