Everything about him screamed your future.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
