i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
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