after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
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