so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
