I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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