Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
