I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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