what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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