He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
It was confusing and full of hummus
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
