Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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