I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
