After last night, I could never be a politician.
Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Randomize
